Leaving me outside the door. Bon Jour...

i kinda felt being left outside the door, thinking over. Not many people may understand this. Or maybe nobody would understand why i said this. This is rather like a secret that i keep to only maybe someone i really trust and right now the word trust is kinda delicate. in American tv series, u noe these beautiful people often say "you know wat, i used to be the girl with those geegy specs and those braces"or"i used to be the person who din't join to any pool parties" or wat about " i was that person who nobody asked me out for prom night"....well for me maybe i would looks back and say" i am that guy who was left outside the door". General yet specific. Don't overthink it.

Going to Penang next Tues and praise the Lord as things might be in order. The word 'might' was used as i really duno whta would happen there. It seems fun...yet i am crossing my fingers now. i really duno what would happen. They say that if you go out with yr loved ones going anywhere does not matter but its who is going that truly matters. Wishing that tak ada sebarang like....perselisihan faham. Trust me we have enough of those dramas. Its all about having fun and i do not care about anyone saying me 'childish' or whatsoever. This is the time of my life and i am going have to time to enjoy. for God's sake how many times and i am going to be like a child after this experience?....maybe in future when i revisit Disneyland. i want to play at the beach. like play like crazy, immerse myself in the water and like....duno act like a dolphin?..haha..

anyway, learned how to download chinese songs finally and boy i had a blast...downloaded many songs...A lin, Pets...David wong...those One million star songs....and Pets(did i remention her name?..oh well)...J'dore her...talking about J'dore i plan on learning French...Merci..photography has been my passion and will always be my passion i knew i wanted to do something like editorial and art buy i don;t believe that i can choose 1. Photography is like a juggle , a perfect mixture between the two. Gilles bin Simmone...Nigel Barker...wah...just know a few and oh ya, Mike Rosenthal. i plan to be this editorial photographer. Its just a dream, a hobby that i might pursue in future. maybe having my studio is Paris or Jet setting to take fabulous photos, expressing my point of view. Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, Elle...watch out...haha..French, it might be har but hope that i don't like give up halfway. Passion is what i hope that 'maneuvers' me to path of a future of full of glitz and glamour...haha..Paris

maybe looking for a job after the trip.Mum advised me to teach at Erican , teach english, she said RM 25 for an hour(my mum always blur blur..duno real or not)...wah thats good pay...but am i like berkaliber enough to teach in such a high profile place?...duno wor..don't want to to like the teacher who teacher one wrongly...

走在寒冷下雪的夜空
卖着火柴温饱我的梦
一步步冰冻 一步步寂寞
人情寒冷冰冻我的手
一包火柴燃烧我的心
寒冷夜里挡不住前行
风刺我的脸 雪割我的口
拖着脚步还能走多久

The sense of emptiness is the sence of vacancy

today is the last day of SPM and boy...i am tired. Mentally and physically. almost draining my soul. I wonder why i did not have the same euphoria that i wished or the sense of leaving that i believed that i was going to feel. Things to change, they would never remain the same, it would either go from bad to worse or get better. It is not up to me to do anything as things do happen for a reason. The every bit i witnessed and sensed today is not more mere than a blank page-vacancy, emptiness. I sensed things have changed among us all, and more drastic changes are going to happen. But know i truly feel that it is your love to your family will never change. A changed man, a better man?

Today we had Seni (art) and EST( a killer subject) and i was like strength less almost weaken after my art exam. it kinda drained my focus and energy. the day before i started practicing my exam piece and found out that it was not my 'flavour' so i changed another draft. Its SPM, i may not be the best, but i want to present the best. Its my priority, its not necessarily of being the best or getting a top grade but to me its about satisfaction. The sense of satisfaction is more than enough the quench my thirst for Art. It is satisfaction that continues to drive my passion. i was preparing and preparing until i was like almost crazy. i could not do anything, i was not inspired. i had no will to change .

I was desperate. i was really desperate, I had to do something fast, after all, my exam was on the next day. i had roughly 14 hours left before i sit for my exam. Desperate. Desperado. i thought of giving up, sticking to my original draft, but i knew it was meaningless. Tried phoning a friend to ask for advice. Phoned Tonnes of times, but failed. Had to suck all those sence of dissatisfaction inside my gut alone. At art class, with the help of my mentor and respected teacher, Mrs Ong, we finally came out with something that showed my versatility and strength as an artist. My strength was on this ' wet on wet' techniques. and my final art piece was basically wet...haha..i drew this butterfly among these exotic purple flowers(babilia). note that it was a last minute change of plans. it was a mad rush. i was in a race with time. i had no time to spare, time is gold. ok, the title was that i was supposed to picture a butterfly resting on a flower through THE LENS OF A DIGITAL CAMERA. after that at home, i practices non stop trying to work it out, i practiced till about 12.30.

My teacher was generous enough to lend me her book about exotic flowers to like assist me in my art. She was magnificent, and she is someone i will respect, her creativity and apssion for ART is an ART that we should all look upon. ok..she told me, "do properly, since that i have lent you this book practice tonight and tomorrow. " of course i was not going to let her down. the next morning i woke up about 3.30 and practiced again. i did wished that i could buy time.


The next day was my exam, tired, i thought we had only 2 hours to complete the paper and actually, we were given 3 hours...silly me...i only got to know when i reached school so it was all a waste of rushing myself through during all the practices. Looking at my peers i was impressed especially by Yi Xuan but at the same time dissapointed by a friend of mine. he had the potential, we learn art under the same roof and i know he can like kick peoples' ass in this but looking at his work, makes me like....so 'wat???" you have the potential to make things magical, i even considered you to be like my competition which i see as someone with vision(something i believe very few people have)...Vision, where is it...do hope you can make it up...you wil Get an A , no doubt, i am not saying he did something like a C grade, but its juts very average B for me. You could do beter, i know you can.

My performance was alright....not like super excited, i till believe that i could do better. But as Natasha Galkina said " when i know i am the best, i do not need others to tell me so as i am the best and i know it".i would like to feel so. as my satisfaction is still no.1
work it..

later we had our EST paper and i was like so exhausted. Only thinking of sleeping. Honestly, i never felt so tired. God, i was working like mad for how long? more than 9 hours...non stop. But it was during the second paper that kinda tore my heart.

After our break, i went up to the examination hall seeing some of my friends laughing like mad the moment i appeared. I ignored them, really to tired to like care anymore. i had no interest in knowing wat happened, really tak terdaya jor. went to the toilet and washed my face went back and sat down. and there they were still laughing(it was an evil laughter) yet....i sensed it....they were kept on saying 'Lao Foong......you say lar" they kept on saying these things. like pushing to each other to like spill the beans....i really tak terdaya tak berdaya bother them...seriously and after a long time of pushing the conversation , one of them had enough 'strength'( in no sort of an positivity) told me wor, they dun want to lie to me wor, say 4 of them not going to the Penang trip we initially planned. Great...still din't want to bother the. what could i do?...i was like empty, vacant, clueless., i didn not know how to react, i was weak, tired, strength less and there you are telling me these things.

They are my friends somehow, i really don;t know how to react. One say wor, no cash, the other say following family to Genting to see his sistem perform in an orchestra competition(he told me earlier), the other said follow them two don't go wor. My first thought was Shut up...they may be sing this blog but isn't a blog supposed for me to express my opinions?...i was like 'bu shuang' but at this time i really tak ada apa apa daya untuk ubah apa apa lagi...it was like...haizzz......din want to bother, din't want to show a slight if emotion, din't want to give any reaction. They still could laugh. My other friend KKC had already booked like everything, they say wor, they pay for the deposit but don;t go wor.Hey, Money and cash is not the deal here. It makes me think 'what are these people thinking off".. i was dissapointed, well they all had been great friends to me and its unfair of me to judge them based on this incident but it really breaks my heart. yes, they celebrated my Birthday, yes...they treated me well...But judging based on this whole situation, i really don;t know what to do..seriously....i just isolated myself.How could they do this?...i mean not to me but to kkc and the others at this last time......at some last words i heard them saying that they go to Bukit Merah or wat Genting wor...i have no intentions of like interfering in any of those 'magnificent ' plans. One should keep to his word at all times.

Honesty is the best policy. Really, what happened, can someone slap me on my face and tell me this is just a dream? a nightmare perhaps so that i could be awakened and escape from this fantasy world?...the worst is that during my EST paper while i was doing my information transfer, i was like thinking of this betrayal thing.,even during my essay....why cant i keep this off my mind...argh....i was too shocked, too awakened by reality. haizzz...really speechless

its not easy for me to write this long in a single post.....just had too much to express....a lot had happened this week and is this how things end?sorrow? dissapoinment? they promised, if they told us earlier that they were not interested or whatsoever, it would never had anger me.This abrupt,. sudden message makes me widen my eyes. Breathe, breathe in, inhale air, inhale while i still can. Am i living in a world of hipocracy? its not fair for me to judge anyone now what can i do now?...haiz...its just vacant, empty.

Ignorance is a bliss....a blessing.....i wished i did not know anything makes me question friendship, its about making commitments and being responsible about it...

For one of those guys, its the second time u kinda made this commitment to someone else and like betraying it...i have no words to say. i wonder what this other person would feel when she knows this. Friendship is frail, delicate. am i overreacting?haiz...this is who i am , thinking always of different possibilities, thinking of the negatives....save me for sake...How could i take this as nothing? Please, tell me why do u guys have to do so. at least let me understand your circumstances...haizzz....please, let me trust you guys

the picture above is katarzyna and this expression is all that i could picture. Struggling , yet with strength. Give me strength, my Lord.

Speech could either make you or break you

Today, i finally realized the reason behind those vacancy and emptiness behind those eyes. Speech could either break you or make you. SO, it was actually my fault that kinda grew to a dilemma. Respect and you will be respected. I realized that me n him are special. We have our own stand and opinions, and for some reason, we are both bulls, both very strong i character. Yet, i believe that i sense his sorrow somehow...i mean not like that serious but i sense emotions that i believe my other friend do not sense. Maybe its because we have been sitting beside each other for such a long time. (less than a year)...its not time that matters it is that mutual understanding. He is a rare being i believe, hard to understand...i may not understand him completely but somehow my sensitivity makes me realize how much pain(not exactly....erm...sorrow..no...sadness.ya) i have caused him.

Ignorance can be a bliss or blessing. Sometimes knowing something 'extra' special can be blessing and cursing at the same time. Its like a roller-coaster ride. We will experience its flips and flops. Knowing so much yet so little about him puts me in a difficult situation. I am like this middle and sometimes i meet situations that i exceed my boundaries but all that i do (which i believe) is for the sake of good.

Its never to late to apologize, its never too late to confess. "sorry seems to be the hardest word to say". Forgiveness is all that i hope for. True happiness is all that i wish them, my friends. I once told my friend, i told her" i believe that he is one of those friends that will be always there for me and i would never find a friend like him anymore". He is more than a friend , more like a brother, my guardian. I wish the best for him.

Yikes, tomorrow is my Chinese paper and yet i have time to write a post. Sei lo....Chinese..never mind i will do my best......hope i don't menempah tiket ke arah kemusnahan...wat about arah kebahagiaan...haiz..made many significant phone calls today. significant indeed.

Bio freak

Looking through his vacant eyes, those alien like eyes(trust me they do look alien if he takes his specs off)., i felt this sudden emptiness. I felt that i did not understand him abit. its was like was i mad art him? No. Was he mad at me? i duno?..>>>its just empty, kosong. Haiz, i treasure him as my friend but knowing him more is like knowing him less. The oters may not feel the same way i feel coz they dun understand him i mean of coz in my stand. Maybe he thinks i am angry at him or maybe he is angry at me?...haha....duno lar...may God bless him because even though he like 'chuan' and ejek me i may seem angry but not. maybe i mind. but i kinda look at the good side of him rather than like thinking the negative about him. Next week going to holliday tim, if still 'dingin'-mati....haha

Biology today and paper 1 was like so careless, paper 2 lagi mati. The Quetion about inheritance still kills me. i know the answer yet i was careless and there i was loosing about 10 marks, i think. Is this the end for my A1....OMG...dun lar..just do your best....so for paper 3 i did not dare to even sneak out of the examination hall.....din want to loose another chance...2moro Fizik, gambate, get A1 ca get cash 4rom Omega

nothing wrong, congrats McKey

its kinda frustrating to know that people are talking about you behind your back especially your friends. i just wanted to tell him that if you have any thing you wanted to tell me just tell me face to face and don't act like a coward and just say...haiz... shouldn't honesty be dominant among friendship. really duno what happened to you, maybe you were moody or u have experienced some downs. well, there is nothing wrong reading a book in a coffee shop especially if there is a test after that, haiz i respect that you have your own thoughts and opinion but bashing others for doing what they want to do is equally wrong. its like a slap on your face.....come on..am i overreacting?...why do i feel i am doing so?....haizzzzzzz

anyway congratulations McKey for being crowned ANTM cycle 11, i truly believe she can make a big splash in paris, milan, new york or London and follow the footsteps of Alice Burdev. She has the height and that breathtaking eastern european face. i was rooting for Lauren Brie at first but after LB was eliminated i knew McKey would win. I'm not sure of her walk(too stiff) but Mckey is strong editoreally.

She can be on the cover of Vogue at no time. I do hope she can be succesful, shes the very few high fashion models ANTM managed to discover. looking forward to see her in Vogue Italia, French Vogue, Dolce and Gabanna, Dior.....Elite is going to be doing great things for her as Elite has done amazing for Mollie Sue(C6), Katarzyna(C10) and Anya(C10). all the best McKey .....

MrKey has that ethereal quality that makes people so stunned about her beauty. She has these expressive facial expressions that capture your heart. She is strong, determined and really amazing. Seeing that picture beside me while writing this post is more than phenomenal. She captures the true essence of what a top model is. She may be the very first supermodel out of ANTM. Fingers crossed.

McKey's signature pose throughout the series was using her boxing in her modelling. She does these poses like she was almost punched and it is surely something new that we seldom see. She uses her body, her long legs and her neck and delivers picture after picture making her shine. She may not be the bubbly personality like Analeigh( 2nd runner up) and Sam(1st runner up). However, she is a natural. She has this 'light' in her that radiates. She is truly a power that the modelling world has to ber reckoned off.

kuasa di tangan Tuhan

moral and additional maths today..bagai nyaris meragut nyawa ku yang lemah...add maths was ok...for paper 1..but paper 2 was like devastating...haiz.....my graph...shaded wrong region lor...sei yer....now got only 5 out of 10 for that quetion and for the tangent graph drew a cosine graph..haiz...apalah...

moral leh....forget some nilai ..nervous all the way...managed to finish it early but unsure of my answers...haizzz....at last i found out i got at least 3 nilai's definisi wrong even "kasih sayang"...haiz...and orang kurang berupaya Hellen Keller i wrote as Hellen kellesner...salah jor...haiz....the quetion ask for "terangkan" and not berikan definisi so i hope those small mistakes don't count....haiz...

wish me luck...my best fried today seems moody, said was sick wor...duno lar...best for him.........i am like so miserable now...din't do well today and this bothers me..2moro is seni paper (objective) lagi mati...hope i don't dig my grave...

礎寧男友是不是圈內人 黎父哽咽 不願證實

Chuning, your magnetic voice and charming presence will always be remembered. Treasure your life as everyone is beautiful.Listening to saving me from myself moves my heart. your voice will be remembered.

「假如可以的話，請大家記住黎礎寧漂亮的身影，若歌迷不嫌棄，就留著礎寧的歌聲，讓她繼續唱歌。」 黎礎寧父親黎孟修強忍悲傷，哽咽地說「感謝大家這些日子對礎寧的鼓勵及支持」。

感情受委屈 力撇勇壯

據黎孟修透露，女兒選擇這種方式離開人世，感情的成分居多，黎礎寧多年前傳出曾與職棒洋將勇壯交往，但黎孟修一再澄清「兩人分手後很少連絡了，跟勇壯絕對無關」他說女兒另有交往中的男友，「礎寧在感情上受到相當大的委屈」，但這名男友是否為圈內人，他不願證實。

黎孟修透露，女兒在遺書中提到有自己嚴重的感情因素，這麼做對大家都好，並希望雙親保重身體，她要先走一步，其餘內容則不願多談。

黎多次為農糧署促銷農產

黎父曾是農糧署員工，目前在林務局服務，農糧署多項促銷台灣農產品活動，黎礎寧都以員工眷屬身份參與，農糧署更一度想邀請她代言台灣農產品，埔里鎮農會也有意找她代言茭白筍，如今傳出自殺身亡消息，農糧署員工既惋惜又難過

Graduation

its like Graduation day today. hard to explain how i feel, i really thought i was going to be touched and may like sob....haha...silly me..i din;t even if i tried to, before this, i was like thinking of like...oh well, we are all leaving, separating, well maybe, maybe its just a new beginning for all of us. at the graduation ceremony today, i called my friends look at me as i wanted to have a closer look at them. those frens were kok wan, shao kang, kuan fei and kee min( that time tehy were sitting next to me) . i looked at them, each of them seriously and like had some glimpses in my mind, i pictured their future, my future. it was like some sort of a time travel machine wer i got to looked into the future(such a fantasy). i pictured kok wan, an aspiring accountant wearing his graduation clothes at like posing in front of the camera for me, i pictured him in his 30's with all his children calling me uncle foong, then i pictured kee min with his current girlfriend like on a vacation, i pictured kuan fei in some sort of ceremony, slightly taller in a suit.(haha...he may kill me), and shao kang like as a lawyer in court. it was such a surreal feeling. the real reason why i looked at them seriously was to like recapture their looks to like remember how they are in person as their features truly portrayes who they are as humans as my friends....

this graduation ceremony started off with slideshow prepared my Dr Lee Mah Ngee...den ter was a performance by Chinese Orchestra, Harmonica Band, Symphony Band(OMG...haha), a dance by Dance club (led by "aska" ), and a special dance-like performance from our school Brass Band........ in front during those boring speeches(meaningful...yikes...) i was like writting down something for my dear fried song was chen..haha...miss song that was how i call her....kinda my sister in school....haha...makes me remember a lot of sweet memories when i was a librarian...Choor kah mei...Magdeline...haha n miss poh

though i took my camera to school i din;t actually like used my camera to snap photos. relied on other friends. and i beleive we took some pretty amazing Vogue photographs(not exacyly lar...still have lots of room of imporvement, cant seem to capture at that right moment, need to learn and adapt)....haha of coz i was the photographer..the highlights were that we actually took a photographs that was jumping in d air inspired by the high school musical poster and some ANTM photoshoots and a photoshoot wih pn ooi....it seems as though time has been like racing itself to a new dimension..well...its going to be like SPM and people are like studying like crazy. well. its just tat ...haizzz.....

Graduation, oh yes i noe...watched High school musical and i realli connected to the gospel kinda choir version of we're all in this together. its like kinda touching, i mena not exactaly tat X factor that penetrates into your heart and makes u cry bt its just a simple and authenthic connection. yea, its special. oh yes our graduation is like miles or maybe light years behind what the HSM guys had but to me personally was special, it was like a pinch of pixie powder. ablove all those, my point is that i will really miss my friends . really, truly, haiz...i was like going....we're all in this together...together...together..each other every time, lets have some fun......it makes me had those goosebumps(for your info i was listening to this song while i was uploading this post)....oo..love it..Fantasia..haha

SMJK sam tet, my school...remember most of the things i went through...from the days we wore those short apnts with those goofy specs and that innocent smiles, as i c every one of them today, everyone has changed greatly...personality wise, character wise, maturity.....and personal style notably hon lunn n bing jian...haha

will also remember my teachers, pn koogilam(the indian teacher with that extra flaour), my yip(the youthful ball of laughter), miss Poh (the lady with the inner beauty that shines through her looks), Pn ooi(the mother of my class), Mr foo(the teacher with full of gusto and attitude), pn Krishan(the dedicated lady who radiates), Mr Tuen(the goofy teacher who will earn my respect in some sort of way), pn daisy, (the Sabahan teacher wh has this efortless style, in my mind considered for her age), oh ya..pn ezan (the petite malay who has the BRIGHTEST smile and the dedication towards her students)...Mr anthony(who makes me healthy and exercise...haha)...n Pn ho...(the S shaped teacher who has the most friends which also makes me remmeber her fpor her bewithcing stories)... my form 5 teachers.....n pn malika(haiz.z...though u r transfered, i wil rememebr your long hair...)

aiya....feel so like emo(word i learnt 4rom S2) now...haiz...my teachers, my friends, myself make my whole 5 years in sam tet so special. through all those sad days , those cheerful and sunny days, through all those lautan berapi(fiery seas) and those onak duri(thorny paths)...there is a memory like a diary recapturing all these wonderful , amazing, fantastic pieces of everything...
http://www.mediafire.com/?reimqmw3w5d