today is the last day of SPM and boy...i am tired. Mentally and physically. almost draining my soul. I wonder why i did not have the same euphoria that i wished or the sense of leaving that i believed that i was going to feel. Things to change, they would never remain the same, it would either go from bad to worse or get better. It is not up to me to do anything as things do happen for a reason. The every bit i witnessed and sensed today is not more mere than a blank page-vacancy, emptiness. I sensed things have changed among us all, and more drastic changes are going to happen. But know i truly feel that it is your love to your family will never change. A changed man, a better man?
Today we had Seni (art) and EST( a killer subject) and i was like strength less almost weaken after my art exam. it kinda drained my focus and energy. the day before i started practicing my exam piece and found out that it was not my 'flavour' so i changed another draft. Its SPM, i may not be the best, but i want to present the best. Its my priority, its not necessarily of being the best or getting a top grade but to me its about satisfaction. The sense of satisfaction is more than enough the quench my thirst for Art. It is satisfaction that continues to drive my passion. i was preparing and preparing until i was like almost crazy. i could not do anything, i was not inspired. i had no will to change .
I was desperate. i was really desperate, I had to do something fast, after all, my exam was on the next day. i had roughly 14 hours left before i sit for my exam. Desperate. Desperado. i thought of giving up, sticking to my original draft, but i knew it was meaningless. Tried phoning a friend to ask for advice. Phoned Tonnes of times, but failed. Had to suck all those sence of dissatisfaction inside my gut alone. At art class, with the help of my mentor and respected teacher, Mrs Ong, we finally came out with something that showed my versatility and strength as an artist. My strength was on this ' wet on wet' techniques. and my final art piece was basically wet...haha..i drew this butterfly among these exotic purple flowers(babilia). note that it was a last minute change of plans. it was a mad rush. i was in a race with time. i had no time to spare, time is gold. ok, the title was that i was supposed to picture a butterfly resting on a flower through THE LENS OF A DIGITAL CAMERA. after that at home, i practices non stop trying to work it out, i practiced till about 12.30.
My teacher was generous enough to lend me her book about exotic flowers to like assist me in my art. She was magnificent, and she is someone i will respect, her creativity and apssion for ART is an ART that we should all look upon. ok..she told me, "do properly, since that i have lent you this book practice tonight and tomorrow. " of course i was not going to let her down. the next morning i woke up about 3.30 and practiced again. i did wished that i could buy time.
The next day was my exam, tired, i thought we had only 2 hours to complete the paper and actually, we were given 3 hours...silly me...i only got to know when i reached school so it was all a waste of rushing myself through during all the practices. Looking at my peers i was impressed especially by Yi Xuan but at the same time dissapointed by a friend of mine. he had the potential, we learn art under the same roof and i know he can like kick peoples' ass in this but looking at his work, makes me like....so 'wat???" you have the potential to make things magical, i even considered you to be like my competition which i see as someone with vision(something i believe very few people have)...Vision, where is it...do hope you can make it up...you wil Get an A , no doubt, i am not saying he did something like a C grade, but its juts very average B for me. You could do beter, i know you can.
My performance was alright....not like super excited, i till believe that i could do better. But as Natasha Galkina said " when i know i am the best, i do not need others to tell me so as i am the best and i know it".i would like to feel so. as my satisfaction is still no.1
work it..later we had our EST paper and i was like so exhausted. Only thinking of sleeping. Honestly, i never felt so tired. God, i was working like mad for how long? more than 9 hours...non stop. But it was during the second paper that kinda tore my heart.
After our break, i went up to the examination hall seeing some of my friends laughing like mad the moment i appeared. I ignored them, really to tired to like care anymore. i had no interest in knowing wat happened, really tak terdaya jor. went to the toilet and washed my face went back and sat down. and there they were still laughing(it was an evil laughter) yet....i sensed it....they were kept on saying 'Lao Foong......you say lar" they kept on saying these things. like pushing to each other to like spill the beans....i really tak terdaya tak berdaya bother them...seriously and after a long time of pushing the conversation , one of them had enough 'strength'( in no sort of an positivity) told me wor, they dun want to lie to me wor, say 4 of them not going to the Penang trip we initially planned. Great...still din't want to bother the. what could i do?...i was like empty, vacant, clueless., i didn not know how to react, i was weak, tired, strength less and there you are telling me these things.
They are my friends somehow, i really don;t know how to react. One say wor, no cash, the other say following family to Genting to see his sistem perform in an orchestra competition(he told me earlier), the other said follow them two don't go wor. My first thought was Shut up...they may be sing this blog but isn't a blog supposed for me to express my opinions?...i was like 'bu shuang' but at this time i really tak ada apa apa daya untuk ubah apa apa lagi...it was like...haizzz......din want to bother, din't want to show a slight if emotion, din't want to give any reaction. They still could laugh. My other friend KKC had already booked like everything, they say wor, they pay for the deposit but don;t go wor.Hey, Money and cash is not the deal here. It makes me think 'what are these people thinking off".. i was dissapointed, well they all had been great friends to me and its unfair of me to judge them based on this incident but it really breaks my heart. yes, they celebrated my Birthday, yes...they treated me well...But judging based on this whole situation, i really don;t know what to do..seriously....i just isolated myself.How could they do this?...i mean not to me but to kkc and the others at this last time......at some last words i heard them saying that they go to Bukit Merah or wat Genting wor...i have no intentions of like interfering in any of those 'magnificent ' plans. One should keep to his word at all times.
Honesty is the best policy. Really, what happened, can someone slap me on my face and tell me this is just a dream? a nightmare perhaps so that i could be awakened and escape from this fantasy world?...the worst is that during my EST paper while i was doing my information transfer, i was like thinking of this betrayal thing.,even during my essay....why cant i keep this off my mind...argh....i was too shocked, too awakened by reality. haizzz...really speechless
its not easy for me to write this long in a single post.....just had too much to express....a lot had happened this week and is this how things end?sorrow? dissapoinment? they promised, if they told us earlier that they were not interested or whatsoever, it would never had anger me.This abrupt,. sudden message makes me widen my eyes. Breathe, breathe in, inhale air, inhale while i still can. Am i living in a world of hipocracy? its not fair for me to judge anyone now what can i do now?...haiz...its just vacant, empty.
Ignorance is a bliss....a blessing.....i wished i did not know anything makes me question friendship, its about making commitments and being responsible about it...
For one of those guys, its the second time u kinda made this commitment to someone else and like betraying it...i have no words to say. i wonder what this other person would feel when she knows this. Friendship is frail, delicate. am i overreacting?haiz...this is who i am , thinking always of different possibilities, thinking of the negatives....save me for sake...How could i take this as nothing? Please, tell me why do u guys have to do so. at least let me understand your circumstances...haizzz....please, let me trust you guys
the picture above is katarzyna and this expression is all that i could picture. Struggling , yet with strength. Give me strength, my Lord.
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